She announced her abortion via fbk
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
