my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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