I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
