Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
