Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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