Old men and throwing up are my life now.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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