hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
