sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
