Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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