I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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