i love accidental penises.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
