textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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