Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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