I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize