my shit smells like andre
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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