OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
