I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Randomize
