finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
