dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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