I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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