theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
