i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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