tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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