after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
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