I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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