The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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