Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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