Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
