I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
