Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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