his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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