why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
