I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
