how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
