Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
