I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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