just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
