Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I AM VODKA MAN
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
