I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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