R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
