Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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