her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
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