Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
