I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
