She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
