just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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