Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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