According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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