dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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