k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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