I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize