you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
