OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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