Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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