$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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