Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
