I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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